Discipline – even the dictionary seems to be challenged when it comes to the concept “discipline”. It’s no wonder we, as a community, have such varied ideas of what is called for when a child’s behavior is unacceptable given the situation.

First, it’s important we’re on the same page when we’re talking about discipline. When I speak here of discipline I’m speaking NOT of ‘punishment’… but rather about the approaches we take with the intention of steering a child toward desirable behavior. Now, you don’t have to agree with my definition here but in order to move the conversation forward it is important that you know what I mean when I’m talking about discipline.

Naturally, the first consideration should be what works.

Consider a child trying to put together a puzzle. They try to get the piece to fit over and over using the same approach. And when it just won’t fit they are ready to scream… until you gently suggest, “Try moving it a bit to the left.”

The same message goes for discipline. If you try an approach several times and it doesn’t work, TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

The second thing to consider is side effects. This is really critical… so please don’t think the order of these considerations says anything about their importance. You want to consider question whether or not your approach to changing a child’s behavior is at the expense of her self-esteem. The child who picks up the message that they are “bad” will start to believe it and act that way.  Children who think they are “stupid” will have a hard time learning. Punishment and criticism are likely to produce unwanted side effects. I can promise you there are effective ways to get cooperation from children that leave self-esteem intact!

The third thing I suggest you consider is inner controls (i.e. self-discipline). I know, I know… with a toddler or some new children in your daycare, you expect to always have to be on top of things. And of course you must consistently make the limits clear and consistently enforce them yet eventually you’ll expect the children to respect the limits and control themselves… at least most of the time.

This seems to be something of a challenge for many adults. And yet your willingness to simply EXPECT them to respect the limits and control themselves is extremely powerful and empowering. And children will be more able to do this if you give them reasons for your limits. (“If you pull the cat’s tail she might bite you.” “If you jump on the couch you might break it and then we won’t have a comfy place to sit on.”)

Think about this… If you agree that the point of discipline is to move from ‘outer control’ to ‘inner control’, then you’ll not only share your reasons with your children, you’ll make changes in yourself.

Pay attention to the message you may be sending by the words you’re using. For instance, “I don’t want to catch you hitting him.” implies ‘but if you can get away with it, it’s okay… just don’t let me catch you.’ whereas a statement such as, “I won’t let you hit him.” implies ‘I’ll provide the control for you now. Eventually I’ll expect you to provide your own self-control’

I’ll wrap it up with one more thing for you to consider. There is no “right way” to discipline. You know lots of right ways. You know very well that no one way works all the time for all the children. So don’t let the ‘experts’ convince you that their method of discipline is THE best one. You know that the best discipline is the one that works, enhances self-esteem, and leads to self-control.

Until later, remember to respect each other, nurture one another and play well together…

I appreciate you.
–Mary K

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